Official announcement explodes from weenie casing next week

Glorp!

Attention, ladies & gentlemen–oh, who am I kidding–attention, broads & sweatpants-wearing couch jockeys: the day you’ve sat around waiting for, thinking, “Gosh, I wish someone would force-feed me 6,540 calories in one day”–well, that day has arrived. In short order. Or more appropriately, order at counter.

Suggested supplies to stockpile include Pepto, Tums, Zantac, soda water and prescription pain medication.

Stand by for further communiques.

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